If my legs are shaved and my teeth are brushed on the same day, it's a good day. Today was not that day. Not only do I have a furry mouth that tastes like rotten paste but I have leg hair that I could braid if I had the time and energy to do so.
I should have known it was going to be one of those mornings when the Insomniac woke up at 4:30 am. I spent the next hour trying to get him to go back to sleep to no avail. After finally giving in, we headed downstairs for what I thought was going to be a calm morning of playing until it was time to run some errands. Not so. He would not let me put him down. Each time that I tried, his screams ripped through the house and though I was exhausted and the thought of letting my neighbors wake up in the same pleasant way I did at this time on a Saturday morning was tempting, I decided to be nice and carry him around so he wouldn't freak out.
He finally took a nap. I had an important decision to make once he went down - brush my teeth or nap with him. I prayed that he would nap for longer than his typical 20 minutes, threw my toothbrush a side-eye glance as I passed the bathroom and sprinted for my bed. It turns out I made the smart choice - the Insomniac napped for 1 whole hour! I woke up refreshed and ready to go. But alas, my little monkey was still refusing to be put down.
My next dilemma was to figure out how to get this kid to let me put him without going nuts so that I could get a shower. (Usually, I don't even think about getting a shower until Al gets home but we had places to go and people to see so I thought that it was appropriate that I go out in public without looking like I'd just escaped a mental institution and kidnapped a baby while on the run.) After a few attempts, I finally got him to sit on the bathroom floor and distracted him with my slippers and the scale. (I knew that scale would come in handy someday!)
I'm smart enough to know that I probably had about 90 seconds to shower before he lost interest in my stinky slippers and the scale that lies. (Who needs toys when you have slippers and a scale?!) So once again my toothbrush went untouched and I jumped in the shower. (Look, I had to sacrifice something today and it turns out it was my dental hygiene. Tomorrow I'll put off peeing for 16 hours but make sure I brush!)
I felt pretty proud as I showered quickly and listened to the blissful coos of my baby boy gently tapping on the scale. Until the gentle tapping became louder. I knew something wasn't right but I honestly put off looking out from behind the shower curtain because it was one of those, "if I don't see it, it's not really happening" kind of moments for me. Finally, I gave in an peeked. And there was my little man throwing trash from the trashcan all over the place while sucking on the plastic bag that had been in the can. He looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back, thought to myself that at least he didn't have the bag over his head, and closed the shower curtain.
Don't worry, I promptly finished up, removed the bag from his mouth, and cleaned up the bathroom. And I didn't mind one bit, because although my teeth still weren't brushed, overall I was clean, slightly presentable, and somewhat prepared for another day in Momville.
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