Being All That I Can Be?

I want to be one of those moms. I really do. You know the ones. The ones that have spotlessly clean houses that are perfectly decorated for every holiday season. The ones that have a nutritious dinner made every night for their family to enjoy. And then bring out some sort of homemade, scrumptious dessert that make their kids and husband squeal with delight. The ones that always seem to have their sh*t together, make-up done, dressed in the latest fashionable trends as they walk out the door. The ones that have multiple craft projects going and actually seem to complete them on a timely basis. Yeah, those people.

When I was younger, I dreamed and often thought I would be this kind of mom. I know I have it in me but y’all, that couldn’t be farther from the truth right now. Yep, I am a full time working mom with a hellish commute. My day starts at 5am and from the minute we are out of bed, its run, run, run until about 10pm to get just the bare necessities done. And I am talking teeth brushing and laundry, people. Thank goodness Cub is still eating baby food because most days, it’s a frozen pizza, mac & cheese or a bowl of cereal for dinner. Daily showers and make-up? Yeah, right.

I don’t understand how people physically keep up with getting it all done. Maybe this is me being bitter because I can’t be a stay at home mom (another post all together) but I just don’t see how there is enough time in the day to even come close to the type of mom I dreamed of being. I feel like a failure that I barely have a decent baby book put together for Cub. That I haven’t figured out what we are doing for a college education or for that fact, a retirement plan for us. That we don’t have a will yet. That our savings aren’t nearly where they should be for working so damn hard and such long hours. And these thoughts consume me most days to the point where I can’t sleep and it SUCKS.

But hey, that’s what the weekend is for, right? Yeah, sure. Our weekends consist of running errands that don’t get done during the week, family obligations, attempting to keep the house up (hahaha!!), making one meal that doesn’t consist of taking something out of the freezer or picking something up from the local burger joint and spending time together. The three of us get one day together because of our crappy schedules and I am not about to waste it scrubbing my kitchen floor or putting on my freaking make-up. And maybe that’s where I am in the wrong? Maybe I should take an hour and work on a baby book or begin figuring out all we need to with retirement/savings planning. But then I feel guilty because my time with Cub is already so limited. And it just goes round and round and round from there.

And so where do I go from here? How can I possibly add any more time to my day when at 9:30pm (after working a full day, playing with my kid, eating my half of the frozen pizza, washing bottles and preparing for the next day), I just want to flop in bed and try to stay up for an episode of Glee. It’s frustrating because I want and need to do better. So here I sit trying to think of a plan that will allow me to get things done and become the mom I once dreamed of in my head. The mom that my kid deserves. The wife my husband deserves.

So far, it’s not going so well. At the moment, I’ve got nothing. But I have to believe I will get there one day because if I don’t, that means I fail. And not only does that mean I fail myself but it means I fail the people around me that I love. And I simply can’t let that happen.

*huge siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*